Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
