when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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