My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
