I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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