the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
