so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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