I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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