all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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