Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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