You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
