I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
