She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
