saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Randomize
