i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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