Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
