Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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