There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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