I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
