i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
