Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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