Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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