Sponge bath it is.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
