Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
