If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
