I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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