how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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