So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
