drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
