he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm too high and old for this...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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