I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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