I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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