Ambien. No doubt about it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i drank out of a bidet.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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