i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
