In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
