it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
