I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
