I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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