did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
