i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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