I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
