omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
