thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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