I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
