she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You're like the curious george of whores
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
