You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
