sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
