On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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