doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
