Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
