Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
