She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
