I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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