Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
