just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
