The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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