Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
stop calling my apartment porn island.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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